ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
is wine microwaveable?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
