I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus