I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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