You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
