My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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