i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
