Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
