I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
