She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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