I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Randomize
