I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
