i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Found the puke drawer
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
