Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
