I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
