I wish I could teleport
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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