I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
