MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
