Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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