She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
