I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
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Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
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I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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