If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
He? As in you personified your dick?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
