I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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