threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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