Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
