"it" just moved
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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