my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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