new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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