Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
