If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
