So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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