have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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