I can text with my tongue
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
there is glitter all over my balls
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