she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
