Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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