I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
