Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
