i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
