She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
