why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
