first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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