she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize