I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
