wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
