I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
