Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize