I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
