i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
We need to get me chipped asap
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
