god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
i need some magic done to my vagina
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Randomize
