mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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