dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
