His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
