wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
