i already hear my dad disowning me
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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