I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
